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Your favourite jokes

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by chris, Sep 22, 2010.

  1. chris

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    This part is called 'introduction and everything else' so here is something random. Post your favourite jokes here. Whether they are about nintendo, celebrities, cartoons, random jokes, female driver jokes and yo mama jokes!

    Here's one to start:

    Three blondes are in an elevator when the elevator
    suddenly stops and the lights go out. They try using
    their cell phones to get help, but have no luck. Even
    the phones are out.
    After a few hours of being stuck with no help in sight,
    one blonde says to the others "I think the best way to
    call for help is by yelling together."
    The others agree with the first, so they all inhale
    deeply and begin to yell loudly "Together, together,
    together."
     
  2. DeadEye

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    A joke thread, I approve. I shall endeavor to add my own.

    Joke no.1

    An elderly woman went to her local doctor’s office and asked to speak with her doctor. When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.”

    Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Glenwood, but you’re 80 years old. What would you possibly need birth control pills for?”

    The woman replied, “They help me sleep better.”

    The doctor considered this for a second, and continued… “How in the world do birth control pills help you sleep?”

    The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice, and I sleep better at night.”

    joke no.2

    3 guys were riding in a car: a hardware technician, a systems Boom-Boomyst, and a programmer. The systems Boom-Boomyst is driving and when they come to a steep hill he finds that the brakes have failed and the car is accelerating out of control.

    So, the driver pumps the emergency brake, downshifts the gears, and rubs the wheels' rims against the curb. He finally wrestles the car to a stop. The three climb out and assess the situation.

    Hardware tech: "Let's try and fix it. I'll crawl under the car and take a look. "

    Systems Boom-Boomyst: "No. I think we should get someone qualified to fix it, a specialist in brakes."

    Programmer: "Why don't we just get back in and see if it happens again?"
     
  3. chris

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    One day a construction worker left the job a little early, and when
    he got home he found his wife in bed with another man. Purple
    with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage
    where he proceeded to secure his dick in a vice.
    Utterly terrified, the man screamed, "Stop, stop! you're not going
    to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?"
    "Nope," replied the construction worker, "You are...I'm going to
    set the garage on fire."

    ---

    here was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this
    unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to
    go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on
    the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word
    he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground
    could understand him.
    First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his
    knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth
    describing the movement of a hand saw.
    Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he
    understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.
    The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the
    ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to
    tell you I needed a hand saw."
    The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was
    coming."
     
  4. Supper

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    Here's a Chuck Norris Joke. I'm not really sure if it's funny. "Chuck Norris can beat you in Connect Four....... in three moves!
     
  5. DeadEye

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    @Supper - It's been a while since I heard a Chuck Norris joke.

    There are loads more Chuck Norris jokes to be found at Chuck Norris Facts | for anyone whose interested.

    right, time for joke no.3

    A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked. "What did you take?" his priest asked. "Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake." "This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?" "No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber."
     
  6. chris

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    Why was jesus not born in america? Because they couldnt find 3 wise men or a virgin

    --------------------------------------------

    Q. If the Obama administration was
    a football division, what would the
    teams be called?
    A. The Stealers, the Bills, the Chargers
    and the Lyings.

    Q. Why is the healthcare plan called
    ObamaCare instead of ObamaCares?
    A. Because he doesn't.

    --------------------------------------------

    Obama is proud of his Cash for
    Clunkers program. It basically let you
    sell your car to the government for
    gas money. Now there is talk in
    Congress about bringing it back as
    an add on to their univeral
    healthcare plan and expanding it.
    With that in mind, let's take a look at
    how the Obama Clunker program
    might work on its next go round.
    Signs of an Obama Clunker
    • You have to reset the car clock
    after you use the cigarette
    lighter.
    • You just roll down the car
    windows for air conditioning.
    • You go to Coin Star so you can
    make your car and insurance
    payments.
    • You start using the phrase
    "General Motors" as a curse.
    • You start referring to GM as
    Government Motors.
    • You keep emergency sneakers
    in the car trunk for those
    inevitable walks home.
    • Your Obama clunker appears
    on the TV series Operation Repo,
    with a recurring role.
    • You had to cut the Club the
    Obama clunker came with off of
    the steering wheel.
    • You have to read map
    directions using the car's Check
    Engine light.
    • You spot tow trucks following
    your Obama clunker on the
    highway.
    • You double your car's Blue
    Book value whenever you fill the
    gas tank.
    • Your car insurance policy
    requires that you wear a helmet
    while driving.
    • You always carry duct tape in
    the car's glove compartment.
    • You have a bumper sticker for
    the local homeless shelter.
    • Your car radio only gets
    National Public Radio.
    • When hitchhikers see you, they
    put their thumbs down.
    • If you try to donate your car to
    charity, they give it right back.
    • Your car was featured on the
    cover of Lemon Law Magazine.
    • If they can't repair your
    clunker's brakes, they'll make
    your horn louder.
    • The tires keep getting rotated
    until they're back where they
    started.
    • You'll have to buy your car
    insurance from the federal
    government.
    • But your Obama auto
    insurance will cover you in all 57
    states.
    • Your automobile insurance
    won't cover the types of
    accidents you're most likely to
    have.
    • The longer you own your
    Obama clunker, your vehicle's
    insurance coverage will go
    down and your insurance
    premiums will go up.
    • Car insurance premiums for
    everyone, regardless of risk,
    must be equal.
    • Your employer must provide
    you with group car insurance.
    • Preventive care, such as car
    washes, must be covered in your
    car insurance.
    • The government must provide
    car insurance to everyone who
    is unable to afford the increasing
    premiums for car insurance. This
    will be done by raising taxes on
    drivers who don't have
    accidents.
    • The bad news is that if you
    don't buy car insurance
    coverage, you will go to federal
    prison. The good news is that
    you won't need a car there.
    • Don't even think about taking a
    tax write off for donating your
    car to charity.
     
  7. Feld0

    Feld0 Former 3DS Buzz Admin

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    Guys, the double-posting is really becoming an issue on this thread. If you've got several jokes you wanna post, do it all in a single post if no one has replied since your last one.

    Here's a joke I find kinda funny.

    Q: What's the difference between a mathematician and a philosopher?
    A: The mathematician only needs paper, pencil, and a trash bin for his work; the philosopher can do without the trash bin.
     
  8. chris

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    Here is a joke that might offend women.
    why is a woman always smiling when she is walking down the aisle?













    Because she knows it has been the last she will have to give her partner a bj
     
  9. Dannyboy

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    How do you upset Lady gaga poker face (you probably heard that one )
    How do you make her happy again Just dance (have you heard that one)
     
  10. Supper

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    ^I've never heard of either of those. @Feld0 I don't get it!
     
  11. will

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    ive got a joke for you women's rights
     
  12. Feld0

    Feld0 Former 3DS Buzz Admin

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    Nerd humour. Most people don't get it.

    The thing is, when a mathematician is wrong, he throws his idea out. A philosopher doesn't want to "waste" anything he's come up with, though (even if it's complete bulls***) and does "without the trash bin," instead trying to incorporate all of his older ideas into a new one, often giving us an unsightly mess of supposedly educated and intelligent beliefs. At least, that's how I understand the joke. :p
     
  13. Supper

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    Ah, now I get it! :cool:
     
  14. Homer Fanboy

    Staff Member Flint Cragley

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    I've got a good one! A blind man enters a ladies bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.

    After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you
    wanna hear a blonde joke?"

    The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice,
    the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things:

    1)The bartender is a blonde girl.

    2) The bouncer is a blonde gal.

    3) I'm a 6 foot, 200 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

    4) The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional
    weightlifter.

    5) - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

    Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

    The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,


    "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
     
    Jalm8487 likes this.
  15. Supper

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    ^XD I wonder what happened afterwards! :p
     
  16. Homer Fanboy

    Staff Member Flint Cragley

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    hehe! yeah
     
  17. DeadEye

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    It's nice to see this thread flourishing with so many good jokes. I'll chip a few in, although I can't promise they'll make you'll burst with laughter. Here goes...

    Courthouse Bloopers

    * Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
    * A. By death.
    * Q. And by whose death was it terminated?

    * Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
    * A. I will be three months November 8th.
    * Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
    * A. Yes.
    * Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?

    * Q. Could you see him from where you were standing?
    * A. I could see his head.
    * Q. And where was his head?
    * A. Just above his shoulders.
     
  18. Supper

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    I get that! XD
     
  19. DeadEye

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    I think it's good to relive the pressure now and again with some humor. So humor I shall bring.

    Another Courthouse Blooper

    * Q. (Showing man picture.) Thats you?
    * A. Yes, sir.
    * Q. And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
     
  20. DeadEye

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    and some Church Board Bulletin Bloopers too

    # This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

    # The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

    # At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
     
  21. Someone

    Someone Grammar Cop

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    Wow, a lot of people are double-posting! Here's a couple of jokes. . .

    There are four people in a hot air balloon: three blonds and a brunette. They had just flown through a perilous storm that demolished the basket. Everyone was holding on to a rope, and before they knew what was happening, the balloon started sinking; there were tears in the balloon! They all decided on one thing: one person needed to jump off to save the rest of them. What they couldn't decide, though, was who will jump off, so after a couple of minutes of arguing, the brunette said she would let go. She gave a speech about how bad her life was; how everyone had bullied her and she had no friends. The blonds, touched by the speech, had tears in their eyes and started clapping.

    A kid, whom I shall call Bob, had just graduated and moved out of his house was celebrating his freedom, so he went to a pet store to buy a pet. After a while of thinking, he decided to get a parrot so he could teach it how to talk and converse with it. He bought the parrot and a cage and he left. When he got to his apartment, he started repeating words over and over. He did this for hours, and then decided to go to bed. In the morning, he walked to his parrot and asked, "Hi! How are you today?" The parrot was completely silent. He tried again and again, and he got the same results, so he went over to the pet store and told the guy what happened. The guy said, "Oh, well that's perfectly normal! All you need to do is put it in front of a mirror, and it will talk." Satisfied, the kid left and headed for his apartment again. Bob took the bird out of the cage and set it in front of the mirror, and waited. The parrot was still silent! He stormed into the pet store, and said, "You lied! I put him in front of the mirror, and he STILL didn't talk!" The storekeeper, who was quite calm, said, "Why, of course! I knew that parrot was smart; he knew it was his reflection! Just try teach him some new words, and talk to him every day about everything, just as you would with a child, and he'll talk after a while." Bob walked out, and when he got to his apartment, he went in and did exactly what the man said. He talked to it for two days, then something happened! Bob dashed in the pet store, and the storekeeper said, "Well, did he talk?" Bob said, "Yes, he did, you were right all along!" "What did he say?" asked the storekeeper. Bob replied, "He said, 'Doesn't this store have any bird food?' Then he dropped to the floor."
     
  22. Supper

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    Great jokes! XD What are Church Board Bulletin Bloopers?
     
  23. Homer Fanboy

    Staff Member Flint Cragley

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    I think it's what on a bulletin board at church, I know The Simpsons uses them a lot.
     
  24. Someone

    Someone Grammar Cop

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    You know how churches (or at least a lot of them) have bulletin boards? Well, it's like little bloopers of messages they put up on them.
     
  25. Homer Fanboy

    Staff Member Flint Cragley

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    I have a short yo mamma joke;
    Yo Mamma, So stoooooopid,
    She...Stopped at a stop sighn...and WAITED FOR IT TO SAY GO!
    (oooooo you just got buuuuurned)
     
  26. chris

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    What is a womans point of view???
    the kitchen window
    -----------
    yo mama so old on her birth certificate it says 'expired'
     
    Homer Fanboy and Jalm8487 like this.
  27. Caf77

    Watt

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    I've got some Bulletin Bloopers.
    Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.
    #1. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the double doors at the side entrance.
    #2. Thursday at 5:00 P.M. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the pastor in his study.
    #3. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be tonight at The Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
    #4. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
    #5. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on Water." The sermon tonight will be: "Searching for Jesus."
    #6. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
     
    Green Link likes this.
  28. Yottabyte

    Yottabyte SEE YOU SPACE COWGIRL

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    The only jokes I know are puns and Chuck Norris jokes, unfortunately. And lance jokes, but you'd have to ask King Psyduck about those.
     
  29. TiggyPudding

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    Anyone ever heard this Pokemon one?

    How do you get Pikachu on a bus?

    You Poke him on!
     
    Jalm8487 likes this.
  30. Zok

    Zok
    Francis

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    The only jokes I know... I won't repeat, either because they're too stupid... or too mature.